1. Speak respectfully with your former partner in front of the chilren and do not fight in front of them. Exposing them to insults, violence or any kind of vicious contact is almost certain to damage them emotionally.
2. Speak respectfully of your former spouse to the children. Do not badmouth.
3. Assure your children that they do not need to choose between Mom and Dad, that they can still love both of you.
4. Likewise, assure them that Mom and Dad still love them and always will, even though they do not love each other the way they used to.
5. Make it very clear to the children that they are not to blame for the divorce. A child’s natural tendency is to blame him/herself, and following, a false belief that they can then “fix” it. Teach them that that is neither within their power or their responsibility.
6. Do not use your children as sources for your own emotional support. Get it from other adults or a therapist. You have to be the primary support for them.
7. Create as much continuity as possible. Keep both your places as familiar and homey as you can, and respect their space by not rearranging it.
8. Do not use your children as messengers, communicators or spies between you and your ex. These roles put an unfair and very heavy burden on them and may pressure them into feeling that they have to choose between you.
9. If applicable, do not attempt to influence their input to the child custody evaluator or family therapist or question them about their interactions with the child custody evaluator or therapist.
10. Take the time to listen, actively listen, to all of your children’s feelings. Let them express their negative feelings. Be more supportive of and flexible with them at this time.
11. Do not share financial, custodial or court battles with your children. If you are undergoing a child custody evaluation assure them that while their input counts it is the adults and the court that will make the final decisions based upon their best interests.

That notwithstanding, the answer is “it depends.” Depends on your reason(s) for entering psychotherapy and on how much you want to get out of it. You might want to see a psychologist for an acute problem – An incident at work, or a recent breakup, for examples. Once the immediate problem is resolved you may either decide that having met the initial goal therapy is no longer necessary, or choose to continue to do ongoing and/or deeper work. There is no right or wrong here – It’s just a matter of personal preference and judgment.

Many people come to me specifically for problems with addictions, primarily alcohol, drugs, and sex addiction. The length of therapy in these cases depends on how much homework you are willing to do. Therapy for alcoholism, or a non-alcoholic drinking problem (which do, by the way, exist), as well as other addictions is a very active and interactive process, and the more you are willing to do between therapy sessions the less time you will need to be going to sessions.

You may be considering seeing a psychologist for ongoing problems, such as patterns in relationships that keep you from having successful relationships, or problems with people in general in one or more areas. Or you may simply want to develop more insight into yourself and your behavior and to further your personal growth – psychologically and/or spiritually. These issues tend to require a longer time in therapy.

I see some people for three or four sessions and others for three or four years. I believe that making the decision to terminate therapy should be a collaborative one between you and your psychologist, however the ultimate decision-maker is yourself. The therapist must always honor and respect that fact. And by the way there is no correlation between length of therapy and how impaired you are, or think you are – It is not true that “The longer I’m here the sicker I am!”

In any case, therapy requires a sincere commitment from both of us. The clearer you are about your goals and objectives the easier it will be to predict  how long it might take to get there.

Anxiety often accompanies depression and/or some physiological disorders which may require psychotherapy and sometimes medical treatment as well, as well as stress-reduction techniques. Some medications are available to treat anxiety but they pose the risk of addiction and dependence. It is always best to use other internal and external tools at our disposal to quell the anxiety and alleviate stress.

There are physical as well as psychological aspects to an anxiety or panic attack: The sufferer is often fearful that it will never end or that something terrible will happen. In general, an anxiety attack normally has at least two of the following symptoms:

• Racing or pounding heartbeat
• Sweating
• Shaking or tremor
• Severe feelings of fear – sometimes of dying or that this will never end
• Racing thoughts

The best way to get through it is to do your best to create a response within yourself that is inconsistent with anxiety: Relaxation. Relaxation and anxiety cannot coexist, so if you are able to create a relaxation response in your mind and body the anxiety (and often the depression) will evaporate. But you can’t simply will yourself to relax. You have to treat it behaviorally. Here are some tools which can either alleviate the anxiety or get you through it and over it a lot quicker:

• Start slow, controlled breathing, counting each breath up to four and then repeat.
• Say to yourself out loud: “This is going to end very soon. “If you are so inclined say a prayer, out loud.
• Lie down, close your eyes, and while counting your breath visualize what to you is a very peaceful scene.
• Talk to someone. If you are alone call a friend. You will be surprised at how much even a little human contact will help.

These tools should get you through it pretty quickly, and you can use them anytime you start to feel anxiety coming on. But always be mindful that some anxiety is appropriate in some situations, and that you can constructively use it to form responses to solve problems and more importantly to be safe. If you experience consistent anxiety or panic attacks, or an ongoing depression, it is important to consult with your doctor and see a therapist for that extra help you may need.

Your evaluation of your potential psychologist should begin before the initial contact: What does the website reveal about him/her? Is it sparse and minimal, undisclosing? Or is it full from top-to-bottom-side-to-side with a lot more information than you really need? This is not to say that either of those styles is wrong. You just have to decide if it might be wrong for you. Look at the picture. Does s/he convey a sense of professionalism and warmth? How easy does the therapist make it for you to contact him/her and to get some feedback and more information? And finally, was your email responded to promptly?

Now the phone call: And yes, there absolutely should be a phone call. A lot of this ultimately boils down to the interpersonal chemistry between you and your therapist. You absolutely cannot discern this in cyberspace. Think of all the misunderstood emails you have experienced yourself. You just can’t tell much about someone in emails alone. Was your call returned shortly? Did you find the voice welcoming? Genuine? Was the psychologist willing to spend a few minutes talking with you and answering your questions nondefensively? Does s/he have experience treating your specific problem (anxiety, depression, addiction, relationships, stress, etc.)?

Finally, if you are still unsure, try to narrow it down to two or three psychologists and meet each of them. This step just may not be practical for everyone, or you may just “click” with the first one you meet. Ask yourself what it might feel like to be in psychotherapy with this person. Feel free to continue your evaluation in person without feeling like you have to make a commitment right away. If you feel pressured to do so then I suggest you head for the door.

I am realizing writing this that the process of choosing a psychologist can seem overwhelming. But consider all that you are about to invest in your therapy and well-being. A little careful evaluating on your part can save you a lot of time, trouble, money and pain in the future. And it can bring about a productive, supportive, and even enjoyable relationship that will help you overcome your problems and achieve your goals most effectively, efficiently and comfortably.